Our crack team of investigative reporters recently unearthed the following memo from the email files of one of the world’s largest pharmaceutical corporations:
To: All APA Marketing Department Directors
From: Office of the Executive Director, American Pharmaceutical Association,
Washington, D.C.
Date: January 6, 2024
Subject: New Drug Names
It appears to us at APA that we are making drugs faster than you can come up with drug names that catch the attention of TV viewers. We don’t have to remind you how lucrative the direct-to-customer ads have become.
Many of the new names have lots of consonants in them. Are all those Z’s, X’s, and Q’s really necessary? Our focus groups have a hard time pronouncing them. Are you using a new Welsh AI program? GLYXAMBL to control glucose sounds like something to make you walk smoother. ENTADFI for enlarged prostate sounds like someone is trying to say entropy. There is nothing wrong with entropy. . . but we are not trying to sell it! QSYMIA for obesity is easier to say, but could also be a sexual identity label for a monkey.
How did the change in names come about? Did it start with the wildly successful marketing of MUCINEX, even though it was non-prescription? Whatever happened to your guys who created those great names of ADVIL, LASIX, and VIAGRA (even though it has one too many letters)? Did they all get hired away by Wordle?
We understand how hard it is to get every single race and ethnic group into a 30 second commercial, especially with that side-effects speed reader at the end, but your present format seems to be working well; the white guy in front, an Asian slipping in from the side, and then the black woman drifting across the back just before the fade out. We also think the AIDS treatment ads are nicely enhanced with at least one androgynous person, or even one who looks mildly confused about their true self. Having one obese person in there cleverly hits all the PC boxes. Speaking of being PC, you definitely need to hire someone to make sure the pronoun use is correct. It should be a younger person because none of us in the Executive Suite seem to be able to keep all the “him’s, her’s, and they’s” straight.
Perhaps adding some animals to the commercials would help. Look how a few bears made toilet paper look sexy and charming, not to mention what Budweiser did with a dog, a couple of horses, and a happy ending. Speaking of happy endings, what about a happy meal? A product placement with MacDonalds wouldn’t hurt in your anti-obesity ads.
Acronyms and nicknames are going to be very important in the coming election season. Have you called Donald? He’s very good at that kind of stuff.
HAPPY APRILS FOOLS DAY.
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