Vol. 274 April 1, 2022 Fauci in 2024?!

April 1, 2022

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”
– Will Rogers

Amidst the uncertainties of the impending mid-term elections, rumors have surfaced that Dr. Anthony Fauci is considering a run for the presidency in 2024. Perhaps it is not entirely unexpected. Fauci has served under seven Presidents, was on Biden’s list of VP candidates (as revealed by a famous 2020 blog), and all that may have whetted his appetite for higher office.

Senator Rand Paul speculated that Fauci would leave his $140,000 job at NIH for the $400,000  salary as President because Fauci’s secret patents and perks from Big Pharma vaccine-makers total up to only $300,000 a year ( see QAnon, 2020-2021). Others suggest that after a long career of evidence-based, data-driven dedication Fauci would relish being the President who can say anything he wants to without regard to facts, “I would find that most liberating.” When pushed about his advanced age (he’ll be 84 in 2024) Fauci responded, “Remember, I have been working with data all my life, and age is just a number”.

Supporters point out that Fauci already has national and international brand name recognition. His ability to maintain a straight face during Presidential press conferences is legendary. The notoriety of RFK, Jr.’s polemic rant, The Real Anthony Fauci: Bill Gates, Big Pharma, and the Global War on Democracy and Public Health,  has actually helped spread his name to several fringe groups.  Most telling, in the amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, bakeries across the United States began selling pastries, particularly donuts, with Fauci’s face on them to pay tribute to his work in the public health sector. 

Fauci’s  PAC name is the same as his slogan “MAWA: Make America Well Again”. He realizes that it sounds like a town in Northern New Jersey, but still hopes it will sell well in his hometown of Brooklyn. An alternative slogan, KAW: “Keep America Well” was rejected by several focus groups because the image of a crow and an eagle did not fly. Bill Gates will be the executive director of the PAC and promises not to divert any of the money to support more research developing flu, COVID, or any other life-saving vaccines.

Mitch McConnell said that no President with a name ending in a vowel has ever been elected or been successful, “Both Millard Fillmore (not able to prevent the Civil War with his Compromise of 1850) and Calvin Coolidge (did not prevent the Depression) were VPs who became President when their own President died, and we all know how bad Obama was!  As the first Presidential candidate with a name ending in ‘i’, I don’t think Fauci stands a chance, and that is not a racist comment. . . . Besides, he sounds like he has a foreign accent.”

Fauci’s campaign staff is currently developing policies. The drug Ritalin is an example of one of their guiding principles: “We don’t know how it works, or even where exactly it works, but it is a good solution for certain problems.”  Fauci definitely plans to abolish co-pays for MRIs!  Another staffer said that once a COVID nasal spray vaccine is developed, Fauci will direct OSHA to require it to be injected into every HVAC unit in every business or plant with more than three employees (ma and pa businesses excluded obviously) . 

TV weatherpersons will serve as public health spokespeople for his administration, since they sound so sure of themselves and point so authoritatively to multi-colored animated screens while making often wrong predictions to the rest of us who are trying to make definite plans for the weekend. 

Fauci will also create a new institute at NIH, the National Institute For True Information or NIFTI.  Its major division will be TOILET, Truth On Internet, Less Extraneous Texting.

It is unclear on which party ticket Fauci will run.  He has received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from his buddy George W. Bush but now serves as Biden’s Chief Medical Advisor. Rumors of starting a third party, the Purple Party (no relation to the mattress company, or the Pillow Man), have been denied both left and right.

Dr. Fauci has not commented yet on these rumors, but people close to him suggest that he will announce his candidacy at his Cornell Medical School class reunion in NYC in early October 2022, “If my classmates pony up enough for my PAC.”

“Pony Up For Tony” will be the cry for 2024.


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