Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, today unveiled his country’s plan for universal medical care, the Accessible Care Act (ACA) or Putincare. The act was passed by a unanimous vote in both the Upper and Lower Houses, “an easy task of collective wisdom once we eliminated the ‘individual mandate’ clause.” Mr. Putin remarked that he had hoped to make the announcement while on the crest of success of the Sochi Olympics, but that the unexpected expression of states’ rights in the Ukraine distracted him. “I understand”, Mr. Putin went on to say, “that Mr. Obama sometimes has his own problems with state’s rights, but our Georgia is not like his Georgia”.
Putincare will establish medical care Exchanges in all states belonging to the Russian Federation. Every citizen (Yes, EVERY citizen. After all, the number of immigrants into Russia is not an issue.) will be able to bring in pigs, or chickens, or even potatoes and exchange them for medical care. Each Exchange will set its own eligibility criteria and rates. For example, in Georgia one pig could be exchanged for a throat culture and ten days of penicillin while in Moscow the same would cost one pig PLUS the names of two suspicious neighbors. The urban-based social networks, like “2Facebook”, will encourage this.
Full implementation of Putincare will depend on increasing the number of doctors and nurses in Russia since many towns have none. Despite the concerns expressed by the BAR Association (Babushka Assistants of Russia) that new doctors and nurses will compete unfairly with their services, Putincare calls for the immediate recruiting of as many Indian and Pakistani providers as possible. “It seems to have worked for Britain and America.” Mr. Putin expressed great confidence in their ability to avoid some of the early problems experienced by Obamacare. “Our computer expert, Mr. Snowden, assures us that we will have no problems. Of course, if he is wrong, he will return to America sooner rather than later.”
Putincare, like Obamacare, will not cost any additional money. The medical care provided through the Exchanges will get sick people better and reduce the work days lost due to death. The plan will increase revenue as a result of more pigs, chickens, and even potatoes… not to mention the increased number of State enemies identified in Moscow alone. As proof of the need for this program State spokesmen confirmed reports that one of the Exchanges had collapsed under the weight of 200 pigs. “We were expecting about 25 an hour the first day and so had a floor that could support 100 an hour, but the sudden traffic just overwhelmed us, and we crashed.”
Implementation of the requirement for small business to participate in the Exchanges has been postponed because of unfamiliarity with the term “small business”, some concerns about “creeping capitalism” which would enrich the Exchanges, and the cessation of operations in Russia by Visa and Master Charge brought on by U.S. sanctions. Most of Putin’s close associates were unavailable for comment, being occupied in trying to recover their own frozen assets.
Mrs. Putin, who rarely makes public appearances, will be launching a Russia-wide children’s education effort to support this plan; SISCAK, “Stay In School, the Chinese Are Coming” (rough translation).
Foreign critics of Putincare dismissed this announcement as an obvious attempt to deflect international attention away from the Ukraine. If you read the plan carefully, and we’re not certain anyone has, you will see that there is no Exchange designated for the Crimea. “Federal Russia will provide.”
Donald Berwick, MD, failed-appointee for Chief of Obamacare in America, commented, “Russia needs to improve its cost/quality ratios a great deal. Putincare is a step in the right direction, but I am not certain that even Mother Russia is ready for a Health Czar.”
Several courageous Soviet scientists introduced a sense of urgency to the discussion, “Because of the current state of the world we should not delay. The Siberian permafrost is already getting squishy, … and the Chinese are coming.”
Putin officially ended the press conference with, “We are confident that all the States and Provinces in the Russian Federation will embrace and implement this plan, …and also visit Sochi to help us pay for it. If they do not, the army will march.” Putin’s exit words, whispered aside, were unintentionally recorded, rebroadcast on both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and immediately went viral; “Eat your heart out Barrack!