As a recognized health care blogger, I was fortunate enough to secure an interview with Donald Trump, a Republican primary candidate for President of the United States. He invited me to ride with him in his TrumpMobile to
Air Force One Trump One on his way to Florida. He specifically stipulated that my questions had to be restricted only to his plan to replace Obamacare with his own health plan. Here is the interview verbatim.
Me: Thank you for letting me interview you today. I know you are a very busy man.
Trump: Yes, Yes, I am HUGELY busy. Glad to talk about my health plan… but your office said they’d be sending a woman interviewer.
Me: We couldn’t find a volunteer. The one we appointed quit her job.
Trump: Sorry to hear that. Jobs are scarce under Obama you know. Hope she gets another one. Oh well, doing the interview with you won’t be nearly as much fun… nice hair, though.
Me: Right back at you. What are you going to call your health plan?
Trump: “The Best Health Care Plan in the World”, or “TrumpaCare” for short. One letter longer than Obamacare and much better, … in fact, the BEST. Length matters, you know.
Me: When will you release some of the details of the plan?
Trump: On the second day of my presidency. The first day will be taken up entirely with the building of the wall.
Me: In Mexico?
Trump: Of course that one, but also the one in Canada to keep all the disgruntled Americans from leaving. No way that socialist-liberal Trudeau will pay for his wall, so I’ll sneak the cost into the Mexican deal.
Me: Lets get back to the health plan. Are you going to ….
Trump: The Mexican wall IS part of my health plan. The wall will be topped with electronic bug zappers every 9 feet alternating with sprinklers of full strength 25% DEET. My wall will even keep out Zika.
Me: “Every 9 feet” ? That sounds like an odd distance.
Trump: The German engineering plan called for “3 meters”, but I rounded it off to American units.
Me: So other than mosquito zappers, what else is in your plan?
Trump: The plan will be managed by THIC (Trump’s Huge Insurance Company) which will privatize all state health insurance exchanges established by Obama except for the one in Massachusetts. That business will be subcontracted to Mitt Romney in return for his sitting out the convention. No one will have to change their physician unless he ran against me for President, and lost. I hate losers!
Me: How will TrumpaCare actually differ from Obamacare?
Trump: Each policy holder will be offered the Trump Wellness Package which will “provide smart food and exercise options, so you will be at your best and perform at your best throughout your stay.”
Me: ”throughout your stay”? In a hospital?
Trump: Oops, sorry, that’s from the Trump SoHo brochure, a AAA 5, yes five, Diamond hotel of 391 rooms in New York City. I stayed there last night. It’s wonderful!. I run a lot of businesses. Sometimes I mix up the marketing pieces.
Me: It almost sounded like a hospital brochure. Will TrumpaCare be building hospitals?
Trump: Absolutely not! I thought casino finances were complicated … until I looked at hospital economics. It’s crazy. Even I can’t figure out who is a winner and who is a loser. Perhaps if I threw in a perk like my $35 hotel package of Trump Milk and Dark Chocolate “bullion”, hospital economics might work.
Me: One of the more popular elements of Obamacare prohibits insurance from denying coverage for pre-existing conditions. Does TrumpaCare have that provision?
Trump: Absolutely. It is part of the deal … except for people of Mexican ancestry, homosexuals, anyone considering transgender surgery, single mothers with more than one child, hair transplant procedures, and any family with more than five children. I have five myself you know. Dissenters will NOT be excluded, like from my rallies. They’ll be offered a special benefit of time in a remotely located sound-proof chamber to allow them to rant and rave at will without any influence on others. Medicaid patients will be automatically covered as soon as they sign the pledge, “Back to Work Is the Way Back to Health.” The rumors that they will have to learn to salute and say, “Heil Trump” are not true. That will be required only of foreign immigrants.
Me: What would you say is the biggest difference between TrumpaCare and Obamacare?
Trump: Patients will be encouraged to actively negotiate deductions and co-pays for ER visits directly with the ER at the time of their visit. My mantra is “Everything Is Negotiable.” There is no reason ERs should be protected from market forces.
Me: What about women’s health services?
Trump: In that same vein, Emergency Rooms will be required to have a separate entrance for women. I certainly believe in “Equal but Separate”. How the ERs handle their restrooms and water fountains is up to them. My plan does not want to micro-manage.
Me: What about mental health benefits?
Trump: We will adopt the model of mental health benefits successfully developed by the early HMOs: A slap across the face with a shouted, “Shape up!”
Me: You say that TrumpaCare will be less costly than Obamacare. How will you accomplish that?
Trump: We’ll abandon this Electronic Medical Record nonsense with its governmental bribes for “meaningful use”, whatever the hell that means. The doctors hate it, it is very expensive, and there is nothing to show that it improves quality. We’ll go back to paper and pencil. The pencils will be provided by the Trump Pencil Company, the BEST pencils in the world. All those computers bought by doctors and hospitals will be donated to colleges and universities so that they can halve their tuition fees, … or else.
Me: How will TrumpaCare be funded?
Trump: We’ll use the money we take back from Planned Parenthood plus a new tax on Americans who emigrate to Canada. Also anybody who thinks that France or England has a better health care system can go there, after paying a departure tax.
Me: Can you legally do that?
Trump: I can do anything I want. You just wait and see.