Former Vice President
(Official Transcript April 1, 2020)
BIDEN: Good morning everyone. I am glad to see all 8 reporters are sitting 6 feet from each other. I know it is burdensome, but we must work together to defeat this awful Zika. . . Rebola. . . flu . . . er, what?, . . . I mean, you know, the Coroner virus.
Speaking of the current virus crisis . . . boy that has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? . . . it almost rhymes . . .I would like to announce my pick of a running mate; Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease of NIH since 1984. . . almost twenty or . . . er. . . many years ago.
Now before I start to answer your questions, let me give you some reasons for my choice.
Number 1: Dr. Fauci is smarter than I am, but I am taller and younger than he is.
Number 2: He is very experienced. He has worked with many Presidential administrations since he came to Washington . . . in the 1980’s as I remember. He told Ronald Reagan about the AIDS epidemic, advised two Bushs . . . one of them gave him the Presidential Medal of Freedom . . . by the way, Ben Carson got his medal during that same ceremony, . . . where was I? Oh, yeh . . .two Clintons . . . yes two, remember Hilary’s Health Care Plan?. . . and, of course, an Obama or two.
Number 3: He gives very good TV interviews, even on Fox News with Sean Hannity trying to mislead the viewers.
Number 4: His medical training has given him that special skill that all physicians must have to succeed — “Always sound right, and if you don’t know an answer, make one up.” But he is more like my famous namesakes on Dragnet . . . Sgt. Joe Friday . . .”Just the facts, Ma’am.”
Now I’ll take your questions.
[Sounds of shouting, general loud babbling, a baby crying, a chair falls over]
REPORTER: “ Mr. Biden have you moved away from your promise to pick a female running mate?”
BIDEN: Did I say that? When was that? . . . Oh, it was during one of those debates? . . . I wouldn’t call it a debate, and I wouldn’t call it a promise. It was a statement from which I am now socially distancing myself, and its a very timely question. . . .This social distancing is for the pits. I haven’t smelled somebody’s hair in weeks. . . for the record, my test was negative . . . and I will ensure that women’s voices will be heard in my administration by appointing several to my cabinet. Elizabeth Warren naturally will be Secretary of the Treasury. Kamala Harris as an experienced prosecutor would be an excellent head of the Department of Justice . . . I think she is Latino too, isn’t she?. . . I am not sure about Senator Amy Kolbuchucker from Minnesota, but she has great hair. Marianne Williamson, . . . remember her, the physic healer. . . could serve as Chief of Alternate Universes . . .excuse me, Alternate Therapies within HHS. Adding Senator Gillibrand to the cabinet would weigh the group too heavily towards New York, since Dr. Fauci is from Brooklyn. I will, of course, appoint Tulsi Gabbard as Ambassador to America Samoa.
REPORTER: “Do you have any concerns about any regrettable incidents in Dr. Fauci’s past?”
BIDEN: Not really. My staff has vetted him very thoroughly. The only whiff of scandal we found was his medical school yearbook picture where he was being lifted by two of his taller classmates so as to appear even taller than they. None of them were in black face.
Also some people may have difficulty knowing how to pronounce his name correctly. It is pronounced as “Fow-chi” with the soft “chi” sound common to many Italian names, . . . and as the Senator from Nevada I wish to say that I have many Italian-American friends who are hard-working, decent citizens, but I must excuse myself from this Corleone hearing for another important committee meeting . . . oh, sorry . . . was I channeling the Godfather again?. . . a great movie.
There is another small concern, since he is from New York City and his name ends in a vowel people may think he is associated with Rudy Giuliani. . . . but we know that he is taller than Mike.
We have completely debunked the New Yorker Magazine stories that Dr. Fauci has recommended internal alcohol to kill the coronavirus since external alcohol really doesn’t work. In fact, he only recommended it as an antidote to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force. Dr. Fauci also noted that internal alcohol effects may be briefer than the briefings, so viewers may repeat a dose “PRN” (as necessary).
REPORTER: “ Is it true that as noted in your background Press Release you just handed out that Dr. Fauci was born on Christmas Eve, and are you concerned about any back lash from Trump supporters who regard Trump as the “Second Coming.”
BIDEN: Dr. Fauci is an American. Even though he was born in Brooklyn, as I remember, there is no question about his eligibility for this office. I think that a resurgence of the Birther Movement which was so viscously directed at my close friend and mentor, Barrack Obama, . . . there I finally got his name out there. . . would be very unfortunate. Next question.
REPORTER: “Has Dr. Fauci made any significant contributions in fields other than virology and infectious diseases.”
BIDEN: Well let me tell you a down-to-earth, fascinating story of one of Dr. Fauci’s most recent contributions. It will be a short story, I promise. Since the Coroner virus pandemic has taken over all the headlines, editorial pages, social media memes, political cartoons, TV shows, graphic artist shops, and a lot of other things which has displaced our awareness of the Opioid Death epidemic, Dr. Fauci has developed a new attention-getting graphic to replace the familiar 1-10 faces of pain; the 1-4 faces of Pandemic Panic levels.
REPORTER: “But face 4 is the same as face 2. Isn’t that a confusing message.”
“Thank you Mr. Biden, and Happy April Fools Day.”