Vol. 210 April 1, 2019 Alzheimer’s: There’s an App For That.

April 1, 2019
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Dr. Atul Gawande, CEO of Haven, the new healthcare-innovation company formed by Amazon, Warren Buffet, and J.P. Morgan, has announced that their first “new model of care” is an app for patients with Alzheimer’s. The app’s name is “FIGAWI”, after that ancient Indian tribe that gets lost in the fog almost every Memorial Day weekend on Cape Cod.

The app will provide a number of programs meeting the anticipated needs of Alzeihmer’s patients including:

WMC – Where’s My Car?
When exiting a store and realizing that you forgot where you parked the car, you just have to say WMC? . . . or WTFMC!?, depending on your sense of frustration and degree of patience.
1. The app will immediately access your state’s RMV Dept. database to collect your car’s make, year, and color,
2. then it will scan your credit card charges to find in which near-by store you had just made a purchase. (If you are near a complex of stores or in a mall, you can speak the name of the store into your phone, or if you have been in multiple stores, the program will search your credit card database for the last 10 store charges in order to identify the relevant parking lot.),
3. then it will get a Google satellite picture of the parking lot nearest to you and place a pin on it marking your car’s location.
4. If your phone’s GPS fails to record you moving toward the car within 3 minutes, the app will activate your car’s horn and flashing head lights to aid in its detection.
5 . If you fail to reach your car to turn off the alarm warning system within 12 minutes, the app will call either your emergency contact person in your contact list or 911, depending on your position (vertical or horizontal) as indicated by your phone’s orientation.
6. As an added bonus, if you open and start your car within 15 minutes, the app will show you any current outstanding parking tickets and remind you about the date and amount of your next car loan payment.

WT – Who’s That?
When meeting a person who you know, but can’t remember his or her name, you just have to say WT? or WTFT!?, depending on your sense of urgency. The app will immediately:
1. take a picture of the person approaching you,
2. compare it to pictures of your friends and families stored in your contacts and photo library (If you do not have a picture of that person in your contacts or photo library, the program will access Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, the RMV, your local police database, TSA, and the FBI in sequence to seek a match using built-in face recognition software.).
3. The matched name will appear on your phone’s screen along with the date you last saw them, the person’s nickname, spouse’s name (if any), and names of all their children listed by decreasing birth dates.
4. If facial recognition can’t find a match, the phone screen will light up with the following message, “Say hi and take a picture of this person. Ask the person how to spell his or her name so ‘I can get it right for my contact list’, then say, ‘So glad to see you ______________(insert name)’.”

WDISIT – What Day Is it?
The app immediately calls up and displays your calendar, highlights the day and time , and lists the last two places you were in and for how long, as well as where you are expected next.

WIG – Where Am I Going?
Not quite ready for prime time; still under development. Unfortunately our AI program for reading minds currently works only for people who have indwelling brain electrodes or cochlear implant devices masquerading as same.

WAIH – Why Am I Here?
As in “Why did I come into this room?” – (see above WIG) But this function is currently operational based on scans of your house’s floor plan in your town’s Assessor’s Office which is integrated with the time of day, day of the week, and the next two days of appointments on your calendar.

HDIGT – How Do I Get There?
Just say ‘How do I get there?” or “How the f… do I get there?” (almost a shout). The app will discern your different voice volume and tones. If your voice volume threshold exceeds “almost a shout”, the app screen will immediately flash “CALM YOURSELF, and repeat the request please.”
If the volume threshold is exceeded on the repeated request, the screen will show, “OK, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND COUNT TO 10 — the number of all your fingers, and try again please.”
Please note that this App is separate from Siri, Alexa, and Google so you may choose one of over a dozen app voices which will respond in kind to your sense of urgency and voice volume on a scale of 1 to 10, just like pain.
Once you have respectfully gained the app’s attention, merely say the name of the place you wish to go: as “Super Stop and Shop”, “”Post Office”, “Doctor Smith’s office”, or “The Dump” (also recognized as the “Transfer Station” or “Recycling Center”).
If you can’t remember a specific name, you can say “where I usually buy groceries”, “where I go to Yoga classes”, “nearest liquor store”, or “where I ate Thanksgiving dinner last year”, and the app will bring up the relevant map and directions after scanning your contact list, your most frequent credit card charges, and both yours and national holiday calendars for the past 5 years.
You can also ask the App to give directions with ONLY right hand turns for your safety, if you wish. Of course, “Take me home” will work without any other directions every time and every where.

These seamless cyber connections are all included in the basic FIGAWI App package. Confidential personal notes about your family members and friends can be included at an additional price in the advanced package, as long as you agree to Facebook’s, Amazon’s, Apple’s, Yelp’s and Google’s privacy policies. The app is available in Russian as well as the usual English, Spanish, Hip Hop, and Rap.

Future upgrades of the App will include integration with car ignition breath analyzer devices, if appropriate (the app can scan court data bases and local newspaper “police blotters” for judgements and allegations). The emerging 5G network will also allow this App to connect with other existing helpful apps like: Find my phone, Find my keys, alerts for CD maturing dates, due dates for oil changes and tire rotations, automatic “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” calls, time to take your pill alerts, “Did I leave the toaster (iron, radio, thermostat ) on?”, etc. Eventually the App will integrate with self-driving cars, so you can find it after it parks itself in the parking lot.

The password for the App is “No Password” or “I Can’t Remember S**t!” whichever the user feels is most appropriate. The App will accept either one depending on the note of frustration and volume of your voice.

One does not actually have to have the diagnosis of Alzeihmer’s (easily confirmed or ruled out by a scan of your primary physician’s EMR) to get this app. The differences between Alzeihmer’s and cognitive impairment of old age is subtle enough to confuse our current AI program, . . . and some physicians.

The FIGAWI App is available to anyone over 65. Despite AARP’s active lobbying we are not offering it to people just over 55.

I was going to list the website where you can order the app, and its price, but I can’t remember either.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.

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